The Coalition of Organized Darwinian Evangelicals educates and promotes the understanding of human evolution and the origins of life on earth when and wherever possible.
As with most religions, the Coalition of Darwinian Evangelicals practices meaningful life-changing rituals meant to expand the soul of the practitioner. *Perhaps the most important is the initial baptismal ceremony whereby the initiate is sprayed by the sneeze of a marine iguana. If the practitioner is incapable of obtaining a marine iguana he or she may be slapped by a rubber faux reptile and then have saltwater of 35 ppt saline spat in the face. This represents the unity of all living things and their origin in the ocean.
INTRODUCTION TO CODE EVOLUTIONARY REGRESSION RITUALS:
- After the baptism, practitioners may attempt more challenging rituals. The skin-breathing ritual is derived from Native American sweat lodge ceremonies and is meant to bring about ancestral memories of an amphibian nature. The practitioner visits his or her local YMCA or YWCA and spend time in the sauna past the point of comfort where breathing through the lungs becomes subjectively uncomfortable. Once the practitioner has broken through past the point of discomfort, he or she should feel as if his or her pores have opened up and that he or she is breathing through his or her skin.
- The worm ritual is practiced during periods of constipation in which the practitioner positions him or herself on the toilet seat and then begins a series of wriggling peristalsis motions, beginning with swallowing, and then followed by an undulation of the head, neck, shoulders, torso, abdomen, and finally anus, resulting in the fecal matter being comfortably squeezed out. The practitioner should keep constantly in mind that he or she is in actuality a tube inside of a tube and that he or she is burrowing through mud while wriggling in peristalsis. This action will not only relieve the practitioner of constipation but bring about a realization that he or she has a worm inside him or herself acting as the digestive system.
- Guttural utterances during sexual congress are also recommended for the serious practitioner of evolutionary regression rituals and will bring about a higher state of orgasm and fuller satisfaction for both parties. Mild biting of the neck is also recommended, producing a bruise indicative of sexual propriety, but not sufficient to break the skin.
- The no-hands feeding ritual is also a most satisfying and effective means of evolutionary regression. Chinese cuisine is suggested for this ritual as it is more easily ingested using only the mouth, especially a noodle dish, though pork fried rice is effective as well as long as it is not prepared too dry. Merely place the plate of food on the floor, comfortably lean forward on your knees and plunge your face into the plate. Be certain to make happy grunting sounds, as this will intensify the experience.
- Many other evolutionary regression rituals exist, but these are the first suggested for beginning practitioners. Other, more advanced rituals include the cave mind ritual, the consumption of raw meat ritual, the brachiation ritual, and the nude forest run ritual. But these are not herein described as they represent more advanced and dangerous evolutionary psychological exercises, and should be supervised by elders of the CODE.